Jokes for Kids 2 - Truyện cười Thiếu nhi 2

Jokes for Kids 2 - Truyện cười Thiếu nhi 2
Collected & translated by HANH-HIEN

	Teacher to pupil: Why are you only wearing one glove? Pupil: Because the weather forecast said, "It might be cold, but on the other hand it might be hot"! Cô giáo: Tại sao em chỉ mang có một chiếc găng tay thôi? Học sinh: Bởi vì dự báo thời tiết nói rằng: "Trời có thể lạnh nhưng ngược lại trời cũng có thể nóng"! Chú thích: Chơi chữ (play on words) on the other hand nghĩa đen là trên tay kia, nghĩa bóng là ngược lại.
	Greengrocer: Aren't these apples lovely and rosy? Customer: They're probably blushing at the price!
	Sanju: My brother walked over water the other day. Salil: How? Sanju: He used the bridge.
	"Is ink very expensive, Dad?" "No, son, what makes you ask that?" "Well, I spilt some on the lounge carpet, and Mum is quite upset about it!"
	Arvind: How do you manage to catch fish at night? Tanuj: Easy, I use glow-worms for bait.
	Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell. Doctor: Go home, and I'll give you a ring later.
	Husband: This meal's half cold. Wife: Well, eat the half that's hot!
	Teacher: There is no difficulty in the world we cannot overcome. Pupil: Have you ever tried squeezing the toothpaste back into the tube, Sir?
	Pinku: My dad says I've got to go out and earn my bread and butter. Vaibhav: What are you going to do? Pinku: I'm going on a sandwich course!

	Lady: Your boots look quite worn out. Tramp: Worn out? Why, the soles are so thin I can step on a penny and tell if it's heads or tails!
	Teacher: If we breathe oxygen in the daytime, what do we breathe at night? Pupil: Nitrogen?
	Teacher: Why are you so late? Boy: I dreamt that I was at a football match and it ran into extra time, so I had to stay to the end.
	Man: I hate paying taxes. Lady: A good citizen should pay his taxes with a smile. Man: I tried that but they insisted on money!
	Girl: That cow is a lovely colour. Farmer: Yes, it's a Jersey. Girl: Oh, I thought it was its skin!
	Old Sailor: Once, when I was shipwrecked, I had to live for a week on a tin of sardines. Young sailor: Weren't you afraid of falling off?
	Gaurav: I'm reading a very stirring book at the moment. Ravi: Oh, what's that? Gaurav: A cookery book!
	Man in hotel room: I think I'll take a shower. Wife: But we've already got one at home!
	Bhawana: My Dad beats me every morning. Rakhi: Oh, no, why does he do that? Bhawana: He gets up at 7 am and I get up at 8 am!
	Ritesh: It's gone very quiet in the lounge. Saket: Yes, I think Amit must have told a joke!

	Agent: So you're a four-piece band, are you? Musician: That's right, we only play four pieces!
	Meeta: My auntie thinks I'm a piece of fruit. Nidhi: What makes you think that? Meeta: She keeps calling me the apple of her eye!
	Karan: What's the difference between a mouse and an elephant? Pranav: I don't know, what is the difference? Karan: Well, if you really can't tell, it's time you wore glasses!
	Little boy: My daddy's a Branch Manager. Old lady: Really? What kind of firm does he manage? Little boy: None. He looks after trees!
	Patient: I've had this bad cough all week and it still isn't any better! Doctor: Well, keep practicing!
	Karan: What's the best way to start the day? Parul: Do exercises? Karan: No. Parul: What then? Karan: Wake up!
	Patient: Oh, I'm really nervous about my heart operation. Surgeon: Don't worry, in all my experience as a heart surgeon, only one patient has died. Patient: How many patients have you operated on? Surgeon: You're my second.
	Rishi: Two from five equals one. Teacher: Now you know that's not right! Rishi: Yes, it is. Teacher: Give me an example. Rishi: The word 'alone' has five letters. Take the first two away, and you're left with 'one'!
	Aditi: Polu the painter is in trouble for signing his name on his work. Nitin: But painters always sign their drawings. Aditi: Drawings, yes, but not the wall of somebody's house!
	Esha: An apple comes under fruit, a cauliflower comes under vegetables, so what does an egg come under? Hema: A hen, what else?

	Teacher: Can I have your homework, Sumangal? Sumangal: I haven't got it, Miss. Teacher: What do you mean? Why haven't you got it? Sumangal: I made a paper plane out of it, and someone hijacked it!
	Kishor: Swimming is very slimming, you know. Kanika: You must be joking! When did you last see a slim duck on the village pond!
	Man: I need a holiday, the pressure is beginning to tell on me. Friend: Why, what's the matter? Man: Yesterday, when I got back to my office from having lunch, I'd left a notice on the door saving "Back in half an hour", so I sat and waited for myself!
	Diner: Waiter, I asked for a meat salad, there's no meat on here. Waiter: Yes, there is, sir, there are at least three caterpillars under your lettuce leaf!
	Ravi: Manoj, the doctor is here. Do you want to see him? Manoj: No! Tell him I'm not well.
	Nitya: My car has concealed headlights and an S-shaped radiator. Ashok: That's a pretty unusual car. Nitya: It wasn't until my son drove it!
	A worried passenger asked the ship's captain: Do ships this size sink often? The captain said: No madam, never more than once.
	Teacher : Why is the sky so high? Student: So that the birds don't bump their heads.
	A baby mouse saw a bat for the first time. He ran home yelling, "Mummy, mummy, I've just seen an angel."
	What did the pig say when the man got him by the tail? "That's the end of me."

	What did the traffic light say to the driver? Don't look, I'm changing.
	Maya had just got a new telephone connection. But soon after the telephone had been installed, she called the telephone operator with a request. "Can you pull the telephone cord from your side. It's a bit too long at my end."
	Manoj: "I always see you with a middle parting in your hair? Can you tell me why?" Mayank: "So that I can keep an even balance while riding my bicycle."
	Akshay: "Can you tell me where a sheep gets its hair cut?" Soumya: " I know -- at the baa-baa saloon."
	Anshu: "Doctor, I always feel dizzy for half an hour after getting up in the morning." Doctor: "Why don't you try getting up half an hour late?"
	Shruti: "What did the hotel manager say to the elephant when he could not pay his bill? Mehgna: He said, "Pack your trunk and get out."
	Did you hear about the little boy whose nose was 11 inches long? He was worried that if it grew any longer, it would turn into a foot.
	Subramaniam: "How much after midnight is it?" Venkatesh: "I don't know, my watch only goes as high as 12."
	Teacher: "All those who wish to go to heaven, put your hands up." All the children put up their hands except for Sharanya. Teacher: "Sharanya, don't you want to go heaven?" Sharanya: "Well, Miss, my mum said I had to go straight home after school."
	Mitra: Why is your dog running around in circles? Chitra: He's a watchdog. He's winding himself.

Jokes for Kids 1

Jokes for Kids 1 - CHUYỆN CƯỜI THIẾU NHI 1
Collected&translated by HANH-HIEN

	Church minister: Do you say a little prayer before you sit down to eat your meals? Little boy: There’s no need for that, my mum’s a great cook!
	A guide was showing an old lady round a zoo. "Here we have a native of Australia," he said, taking her to the kangaroo's cage. "Goodness," the old lady replied in shock. "My grand-daughter's married one of those!"
	Rina: How many children have you got? Ameena: Two boys and a girl. Rina: That's three altogether. Ameena: No - one at a time!
	Pawan: What would you like to drink? Shikha: Ale, please. Pawan: Pale? Shikha: Oh, no, a glass is enough!
	Customer: Do you call this a full meal? You served me twice as much yesterday. Waitress: Where did you sit yesterday? Customer: By the window. Waitress: Oh, that's why. We do that for advertising purposes - it gives people passing by the impression that this is a good restaurant!
	Gappu: Ha, ha! Nippi: What's so funny? Gappu: Well, I was thinking ... Nippi: Yes, you're right - that is funny!
	Ronit: Do you want to come to a party tonight? Rajat: I can't. I'm going to see Romeo and Juliet. Ronit: Well, bring them along as well!
	Monica: Has your sister had her baby yet? Ruchika: Yes, she sent me an e-mail, but she didn't say whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether I'm an aunt or an uncle!
	Mother: Now, Dhruv, when you go for dinner at Parth's house, use your knife and fork properly. Dhruv: Mummy, is it necessary that I use a knife and fork? Mother: Of course you must! Dhruv: But the soup will never stay on them!
	Jai: I've got such a bad headache. Nitya: I know why. Jai: Why? Nitya: Well, yesterday when I had stomach ache, mummy said it was because it was empty, so I guess that's the problem with you too!

	Father to son: If I give you two cats and four dogs, how many animals would you have? Son: Nine, dad. Father: How will you get nine? Son: Have you forgotton we already have a turtle, rabbit and a parrot!
	Rahul: Do you know which queen had the largest crown? Varun: Of course I do. Rahul: Then tell me who? Varun: The one with the largest head!
	Parul: How did you get that black eye? Pranav: The manager at that new restaurant punched me. Parul: But, why? Pranav: I told him his reataurant was a good place to eat dirt cheap - he thought I was insulting his food!
	Teacher: Your handwriting is dreadful, Kamal. You must learn to write better. Kamal: If I did, you'd find out my spelling was dreadful too!
	In one scene of a film, an actor had to act out a death scene, but the director wasn't happy with the way he was doing it. "Come on," cried the impatient director. "It's supposed to be dramatic - put more life into your dying!"
	Geet: What position do you think I play in the football team? Lalit: I don't know. Geet: Left back. Lalit: What- left back in the dressing room?
	Come on, Surabhi, eat your spinach- it'll put colour in your cheeks. But I don't want green cheeks!
	Neighbour: Do you say your prayers every night, Rahul? Rahul: Not every night, sometimes there's nothing I want!
	Father to six year old son: A big boy like you shouldn't be afraid of the dark! Son: That's easy for you to say...you've got mum to look after you!
	Boy: My grandad is still living at 103. Man: Amazing, 103 years old! Boy: No, 103 High Street!

	- Can you name the three most important inventions that helped man get up in the world? - Elevator, escalator and alarm clock!
	Two school children were talking at breaktime: Mehul: The clock fell off the wall in class this morning. If it had fallen a moment sooner, it would have hit Miss Pringle on the head.
	Mum: Come on, Bunty, eat your breakfast and get off to school. Bunty: I don't want to go to school. Mum: You must go. Bunty: But I don't want to go. The teachers don't like me, the children don't like me - even the caretaker doesn't like me. Mum: That may be so, but you still have to go. Bunty: Why? Mum: Because you're the headmaster!
	Anand: Calculators are a man's best friend. Jay: Why? Anand: You can always count on them!
	Doctor to patient: You're suffering from loss of memory. My fee is Rupees 50 - in advance!
	- What did the boy bat say to the girl bat? - I'm absolutely bats about you!
	Nippy: I was in hot water last night. Annu: It does you good to have a bath occasionally!
	First dog: I ate a roll of movie film for my lunch. Second dog: Did you like it? First dog: No, it had a sad ending!
	Joan: Daddy, Father Conran says we are here to help others. Father: Indeed we are. Joan: Then what are the others here for?
	School Doctor: Do you ever have trouble with your nose or ears? Little girl: Yes, they get in the way when I take my jumper off!

	Gajram: How did you like the parrot I sent you? Sompal: It was delicious. Gajram: You mean you ate it? I paid 500 rupees for that parrot, and it spoke seven different languages! Sompal: Then why didn't it say anything when I put it in the oven?
	"Help, Help. My baby's fallen down the well." "Hold on. Here's a copy of Dr. Spock." "What good's that?"
	Landlady: I charge Rs.100 a night, Rs.50, if you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Landlady: Hang on. I'll get you a hammer and nails.
	- Where did Dr. Jekyll find his best friend? - In Hyde Park.
	When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year old daughter who would be walking the 3 blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"
	Charlie: Mom, remember how you always worried that I'd break your best teacups if I played with them? Mom: Yes, I remember. Charlie: Well, your worries are over.
	"Aren't you the brave young man who tried to save my son from drowning when he broke through the ice?" "Yes I am." "Well, what did you do with his mittens?"
	A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom!"
	- How did the firefly feel after flying into the fan? - He felt de-lighted!
	- What happens when it rains cats and dogs? - You step on a poodle!

	- What did the math book say to the story book? - I have lots of problems!
	- What kind of a car does an egg drive? - A Yolkswagon!
	- What kind of bees do you find in a graveyard? - Zom-bees!
	John is teaching his parrot to talk. "Repeat after me: 'I can walk.'" "I can walk." "I can talk." "I can talk." "I can fly." "That's a lie."
	Baby Camel: Mum, why do we have such a huge hump? Mum Camel: They're for storing fat out in the desert. Baby Camel: Why do we have hooves, then? Mum Camel: So our feet don't sink into the hot sand. A moment later... Baby Camel: Right. So why do we have all this stuff if we live in the London Zoo?
	"I have read your essay about your house," scowled the professor, "and it's exactly the same as your brother's from last year." "Of course," says the student, "It's the same house."
	"Give me a sentence about a public servant", said the mother helping at home. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The mother took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure", said the young kid confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."
	A panicked passenger in the Titanic: Captain, How far is the way to the nearest land? Captain: Two Miles. Passenger: In which direction? Captain: Towards bottom!
	At the recent Olympics, a man was walking throught the Olympic villiage carrying a long pole. A reporter came up to him and asked "Are you a pole vaulter?" The man replied, "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
	Secretary: I'm afraid the manager won't be able to see you today. Salesman: Then I'm the very man he wants-I sell spectacles.